When we match, overlap, or otherwise align our mind (what we think), body (what we say), and spirit (what we feel) we are unstoppable, unerring, forces of Nature/The Universe/Creation that can take us to the summit of all that makes us whole. Why then do we continue to mislead, edit, delete, or otherwise stay embroiled in our own head, fearful of the outcome, of what people will think, or feeling the complete and utter shame of something we did, witnessed, or are complicit in?
Well, I think those things right there speak volumes about why we don’t say what we feel, don’t share what we did, can’t become truly one with our true self; limiting our ability to sync our heart and soul with our actions and our words.
Fear is a Lie
But such a truthful lie that it hooks the very fabric or what we hold as reality, for it comes from within us, as if we are betraying our very self. Betrayer! You know what hurts me, and you use that so cleverly, so manipulatively, to keep me from talking.
You have likely heard countless sayings for what FEAR means, but here is a song that includes many more.
Don’t you ever feel like just shouting what your…untruth/lie/compromise is, even when next to the very person that lie involves, or who we might think it would break their heart? Doesn’t it just want to jump right out of your skin and escape the very essence of you? I hear it, shouting, screaming in my mind sometimes, and at other times I can’t hear it because I have drowned it out, or distanced myself from it, but it is always there.
Shame is a self inflicted wound that we constantly reopen.
It keeps us entangled in a world that shrinks, isolates, and eventually strangles us into nonexistence. If we do not associate with anyone with whom we feel might evoke the shame we hide inside, we can survive right? What is survival at that rate? What are we living for?
Shame is a shadow warning us of the worst possible outcome, but it can only survive off of a weak sense of self worth. It is strongest in the weakest of us, and the weakest sense of us strengthens it.
I recently shared a truth about my life with some very close friends of mine and colleagues. I had fear and shame to blame for why it took me 15 years to come to terms, to finally say what my heart has been shouting at me for years.
Although I used the shame and fear as curtains to withdraw from even as I spoke, what I witnessed was nothing more than mercy, compassion, empathy, and non-judgement…the opposite of what I had been telling myself I would encounter! If I had known this was the case, I would have spoken up so much earlier.
After an hour talking with just the right person, I felt clear of the dark cloud that usually hung over even the whisper of the truth. I felt relieved. I even felt a tingle of excitement at what this might mean for me. I had done it! I had told one person what was real in my life after years of torment, or wanting to tell someone, and being unable because my fear or my shame was greater than my inner scream.
Why did it take so long for me to discover that this release was so incredibly freeing? Why oh why did I wait so long? Because I grew up with a very deep sense of what I should be like. What I shouldn’t do, and what was wrong and what was right. But most of all I was weak inside. I could not summon the personal strength to say my truth and own it, and that breaking through to the real synchronous true world was my right in life. I was so weak, that my self worth was absorbed in the inner conflict of my mind every day. I had no more energy, no more room, for the truth to come out.
Our inner struggles take what is a finite daily amount of willpower and grinds it down until we submit, every single day. What we may not recognize is that there are things that actually give us more energy and power in the day. Sharing a truth actually empowers us, and feeds the sense of worth we hold inside. It strengthens our bond to our self image and gives us power that we can share with our Will.
My path to the truth is personal to me and I share it with those I care about and that care about me. It’s not something to boast about, nor is it something that defines who I am. It is however a direction I desire to travel, a part of me that I will incorporate in to my life. Simply put, living in the freedom of a truly sympathetic existence is challenging, but incredible fulfilling and this is what I want to experience.
The feelings every day since I awoke to the reality that fear and shame held me captive in my own mind, a prison of my own making, have been exceptional, surprising, and remind me of the joy I used to experience when I was much younger.
Combined with exceptional people that I have surrounded myself with, and reading “Daring Greatly” by Brene Brown, are the makings of a shift in my life toward greater synchronicity, inner peace, and unmitigated joy!
Not being a person that has lots of friends, but the ones I have are amazing, I am enjoying new people in my life as I open up about what is real and meaningful to me.
My fear was a real lie and it held my tongue. My shame was even greater and fixed my mind on the monster within. But both were shattered the moment I uttered the truth.
I literally feel my body coming together, the energy within me increasing in harmony and frequency, the uncluttering of my mind, and opening the virtual windows to let the fresh air in.
Day by day my living truth provides me with a perspective of abundance, a wealth of new caring people, and a path that is exciting and somewhat unknown. Sometimes we shift our lives so dramatically in one direction that we find it difficult to see the next step. That’s okay. I relish the step I am on and look forward to what lies ahead when it appears. This mindset allows me to stay in the present moment, aware of how my body is reacting and what I may need. Slowing life down like this allows awareness in, which is our companion on our journey to the true self.
I share this account for all of you that harbour any untruth, any inner monster that is screaming to be let lose. Our time is so limited and we don’t know what the next minute holds, let alone day. What life are you leading and what life do you want to lead? Free yourself from the bondage of your mind by finding one person who will be your compassionate listener and unburden your self. Practice creating inner strength if you need to develop a sense of self that is strong enough to open up and be vulnerable. That is courage. That is strength.
The message here is to reveal the truth you know you have inside you, no matter what it is, no matter why you held on to it. It may have served a purpose once, but ask yourself if that reason exists today. Living a life that is clean, sober, spiritually aligned, personally liberating, whatever your truth is for you, is so incredibly rewarding. For me, it takes me back to the joy I felt as a child; that simple yet powerful sensation of accomplishment, bravery, or personal value.
If you have nobody in your life, please connect with me. In over a decade of shouldering a weight, I can empathize with what that means and what it can do after such a long time. I can tell you that what our mind tells us is is in no way a reflection of who we really are inside. The fact that there is a conflict within us is proof! I smile at that notion because we never think about at the time do we? All we can see and sense if conflict, but alas, if there were no conflict, what sense of future could we hope for? Conflict is our saviour and our spark of reconciliation of self.
I couldn’t have done this had it not been for the kind gesture of a person extending their hand and asking if I was okay. Depression can be a symptom of us living a life that is not aligned with our inner truth. Find someone to talk to. Seek out a willing ear. There are many resources around my city of Victoria (Google: Community resources in Victoria) and wherever you may live but the greatest resource I could ever ask for is a caring and compassionate person to share my true self with.
Gratitude and Inner Peace to all who seek to live a life of harmony with their True Self!