I crave connection between my spirit, my inner dwelling of emotion and thought, and between myself and those I interact with. I sidestep small talk. I walk away from gossip.
“What is life?” is a question I constantly seek answers to.
I don’t have answers, but I do feel it. I don’t know the right way, but I can sense what fills me up. I can’t think my way through this as if it were an equation to solve, but with just enough courage to face the unknown, I just might attract what my heart desires.
I want to see what is truth, but there are times I have a hard time being truthful about my own life.
I seek authentic kinship with others, but at times, lack the transparency to be authentic with my own feelings.
I know I might die any day. I know I have no control over many factors in life, but there are days I do nothing to change my circumstance, and others when I rail against it.
I have decades of conditioning to unwrap, agreements to break, beliefs to dissolve, and I keep finding more, and more, and more that I need to face.
Once we begin to look within our own self, our own carcass of a vessel that contains everything our teachers put inside, we might find that a lot of it stinks. When we clean one area, another oily slick emerges to foul our sense of self.
You would think after yearsof cleaning and clearing, and awareness, and acceptance that it can get tiring, and grind a person down to oblivion. But damn if our brain doesn’t laugh! Utter nonsense, laughter, and awkward moments abound that make my spirit swell with self compassion and silly notions of how truly ridiculous I used to be, and how I love that aspect of me. I was unconscious to the Nth degree, concerned with self and image, and I felt it all slipping away.
At the time I wondered: Who do I turn to? Who can I share my inner despair and fear, and unknowingness with? I am supposed to be strong, so how do I confess my weakness? Surely with no one that looks up to me.
Sincere, deep, honest conversation finally came to me. It saved me in as much as it uncovered much more within me. It revealed an upwelling of inner strength. Did I always have it and merely forgotten it, or was it a byproduct of becoming real?
There are times when I harken back and desire the early years, of cutting grass all day long, of planning weekend activities, of worrying about what kind of tires to by on my ride. But those days, while I lived them, were full of more stress than I dare to recall, I simply don’t hold on to those memories. So reaching for them now is a manufactured ghost of fantasy past.
Taking time to realize where I derive the most pleasure, the most of what fills my heart and spirit is a great lesson. It is time well spent, and it takes time, I tell myself. I must be patient.
Just when I think I made some progress, more dirt crumbles from the corner. That is the way of it. Our own inner work may never be finished, and would I ever want it so? Maybe for a day, but not any longer, for my lessons might cease.
I learn from my past, and what I desire now. I love the authenticity with which I can grapple with my past actions and my awareness of self. When everything works, I attempt to show my new self to others, to be more comforting, to be more compassionate, and listen more deeply to their story. I am constantly evolving.
I’ll still laugh at silly shit, my brain will still see the lighter side of life, the other meaning, the sly third sensation, and thank goodness for this, or my existence might be taken too seriously!
When I think back a few years about where I was, and how far I have come, I know it is small from one respect, and huge from another. I am happy to know my sense of humour does not diminish with awareness, and I am grateful to have met so many genuine, loving, caring people that stood with me when I needed them, and let me stand with them in their need.
As I look forward to 2017, I have grand expectations, but mostly I look to welcome life into my heart, welcome my imperfections, and welcome your humanness. What awaits me is what I challenge myself with, and I know with all certainty, that I am ready to stand up, to reveal more of my voice and passion, and seek to share it with any that are attracted to authentic life. What are you ready for?
What is life? It is being okay with your self that is okay with you seeking your own authentic answers to what lay deep inside. What a grand adventure! A never-ending grand adventure!
May our laughter never fade from our life’s quest.